Letting Go

On February 25, 2003, I joined WeightWatchers. I lost, officially, 26lbs, but unofficially, I think closer to 35lbs since there was a time I just didn't weigh myself. I had this pair of jeans that I looked shit hot in on my 20th birthday, and then quite promptly porked up and couldn't even squeeze my fat ass into them. I kept them for 4 years, and when I finally fit into them again, they were so out of date, I immediately threw them away. It felt pretty fucking good to say, "These pants fit me now, but now they're ug-lee! Out pants, out!". I think I cut them up and made them into a skirt I sometimes wear. I also kept a shirt, not for quite as long, but a cool-cat cool shirt. It didn't fit when I was fat, and hey, 26-35lbs later, it still didn't fit. Seems my muscle composition had shifted all around, what with me being more active like, and that shirt just didn't want to fit over my lats. Dang. So, I made sure it went to a good home, and it really does look quite fetching on the lovely Tatjana.

To the point. I reached my goal weight in September 2003, right around the time Paul (who has requested I start calling him T.A.), so right around the time T.A. and I started dating (no, there's no reason behind the name change, just something he decided over the weekend, in the car, on the way to the grocery store. "Hey, Babe, do you think you could start calling me T.A.?", "Uh, why?", "No reason, I just think it sounds cool".)I was finally invincibly thin. Ha! I had conquered my fat, my flab, my flubber, my blubber, my rump, my rhind, my pork, my spork, my spam. You get the point. I had done it. I was amazing. I could eat what ever I wanted. Within, oh, I don't know, 6 months, I had gone up at least 15lbs again. So I re started the plan, re committed, and just about a year ago, I reached my goal again. I even went below my goal, and decided I would try to hit 10lbs below goal, but that started to make me feel sick all the time, so I cut out that nonsense.

So, letting go. I have been at, or below goal for nearly a year. I have stopped using the resources I pay for. I think it's time to cancel my membership with the wonderful people at WeightWatchers. I have cancelled my membership. I am panicking. I don't know if I'm ready to let go. Can I do it? Can I maintain without the aid of a service I stopped using at least 6 months ago? I'm going to try. I'm going to keep up my weekly weigh in's at home, but without the neat little chart that shows me where I began, and what I accomplished. I'm going to keep telling myself mentally, that salad is 0pts, that oreo is 2pts. Make the right choice. And I'm going to pretend that the after school snack I just ate wasn't 11 pts. Without the pts calculator, I'll never know. It'll be my little secret. Only me, and my ass will know. And everyone looking at my ass. So please, be a good friend, take a look at my ass every once in a while, and let me know how she's a-lookin.

I'm letting go.

(Note to self, find before and after pictures to post. Then I can direct all the 'you lost THAT MUCH?' inquiries here.)

(Note to everyone else. When I just ran this through the blogger spell checker, it suggested that I replace the word 'Tatjana' with the word 'Datsun'.)