Saturday, October 28, 2006


It's official. The terrible horrible no good very bad mood I've been in for the last month or so has finally lifted. It feels fan-fucking-tastic to be gone. To be correct, it lifted last Wednesday, but I a)haven't made time to blog, and b)wanted to be sure before I started bragging about it and all.

What made it lift? Not really sure. Maybe I've adjusted to the cooler greyer weather. Maybe it's having survived round 1 of midterms this semester, and having done smashingly well in calculus and on my biology lab exam, and realizing where I went wrong in the bio lecture exam and looking forward to kicking ass on the next one. Maybe deciding not to do certain things at work that just aren't my job has helped. Who knows. It's gone, and that's good.

Tonight I am going to my 10 yr highschool reunion. It's been more than 10 years, but they didn't get their act together to organize something for when we actually graduated. So I'm going to go because I'm worried I'll regret it if I don't. I'm sure they're still assholes. I'm going to tell them I invented Post-It notes. Don't worry Tro, I'll tell them it was your idea to make them yellow.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Okay, one little thing.

One of the things that's been going on with me lately which I haven't felt like talking about (not to actual human beings anyway, that's why I'm blogging it) is panic attacks.

Anyone who knows me a little knows about my long standing head phobia. I don't want anyone to touch my head, and I ESPECIALLY don't want anyone to touch my head with their head. I don't lend out my hairbrush, or borrow one, and I don't try on hats. In fact, I can recall having a complete flip out when I was in the brownies (before they kicked me out) and we were going for a walk in the woods where there was a mandatory hat-wearing rule due to the risk of a tick falling on your head and giving you lime disease. One of the girls didn't have a hat, so my mom lent her one of mine. That was not cool. I'm pretty sure I never wore that hat again. Why the head thing? A big part of it is an irrational fear of headlice, which I have never had, and check myself for each and every night before I go to bed. Yeah, yeah, I know, lice like clean homes too, it doesn't mean your head is dirty if you have them. Whatever. Speaking of dirty heads, don't get me started on dreadlocks. Xta, I am glad yours are gone. No matter how non-stinky you claimed them to be (I never got close enough to smell them).

I also don't like it when people sit too close to me. Why? I am afraid that something from their head might somehow get into my mouth, or in my nose. Seriously, that's why.

Okay, to the panic attacks. I had one sitting on the runway in this dinky little airplane waiting to leave Saskatoon. Then I had one on the ferry coming back from Gibsons one time. Then school started, and I started having them every day while walking up the crowded staircase between my calculus (did I mention the A on the midterm?) and biology (we're not discussing that midterm) classes. Now I've started to also have them while sitting IN biology class. What's it all about? It's freaking me out that I'm breathing in other people's breath. It's seriously crippling me. When I'm walking up the staircase which is freaking CRAMMED with people, I can make it up if I either hold my breath (not a good option because I get to class super dizzy) or hold my sweater hand over my nose and mouth as a "filter" of sorts. I used to feel safe as soon as I made it out of the staircase and into the classroom, but most days now there comes a point when it starts freaking me out in the middle of class, and I have to resort to breath holding and filtering behaviour. All I want to do is run at top speed outside for some fresh air, but I have to force myself to sit in class and try to look normal while also trying not to hyperventillate and trying not to cry (I think tears may have brimmed over at one point last week). The staircase is a lost cause, but in the classroom I seem to be able to talk myself down from it, telling myself, okay, everyone has to breathe, this is normal, people breathe in other people's breath all the time. BUT IT'S SO GROSS!!! I feel like I can kinda relate to those people who walk around with those dust masks on, and trust me, I've thought about carrying one of those around, but I don't think they will provide any sort of effective barrier (like my sweater/hand filter does). If someone sneezes or coughs around me, it's even worse. I've also started washing my hands with an alarming frequency, and carrying around that hand sanitizer gel, but that's all in the name of staving off the fall semester cold. This is getting worse and worse, so I'm hoping to find a solution to it. One that doesn't involve people getting too close to me. Physically.

Am I crazy?

Monday, October 16, 2006

who needs real life after all

when you can do THIS for stress relief

blah blah blog

I keep starting new posts, but deleting them soon after I begin writing. I guess I don't have all that much to say. It's not that nothing is going on. Au contrare, lots has gone on that I could be blogging about. The trouble is most of it is negative stuff so, a)I don't want to bitch when really I do have a lot to be thankful for, and b)I don't want to be bombarded with the, "hey, are things okay?" type emails, phone calls, and blog comments, so lets get that out of the way;

things are okay.

I'm just very stressed out, very tired, and very very cranky. There is something I'd like to brag about though . . . the A on my calculus midterm! An A, an A! Horray!