One of the things that's been going on with me lately which I haven't felt like talking about (not to actual human beings anyway, that's why I'm blogging it) is panic attacks.
Anyone who knows me a little knows about my long standing head phobia. I don't want anyone to touch my head, and I ESPECIALLY don't want anyone to touch my head with their head. I don't lend out my hairbrush, or borrow one, and I don't try on hats. In fact, I can recall having a complete flip out when I was in the brownies (before they kicked me out) and we were going for a walk in the woods where there was a mandatory hat-wearing rule due to the risk of a tick falling on your head and giving you lime disease. One of the girls didn't have a hat, so my mom lent her one of mine. That was not cool. I'm pretty sure I never wore that hat again. Why the head thing? A big part of it is an irrational fear of headlice, which I have never had, and check myself for each and every night before I go to bed. Yeah, yeah, I know, lice like clean homes too, it doesn't mean your head is dirty if you have them. Whatever. Speaking of dirty heads, don't get me started on dreadlocks. Xta, I am glad yours are gone. No matter how non-stinky you claimed them to be (I never got close enough to smell them).
I also don't like it when people sit too close to me. Why? I am afraid that something from their head might somehow get into my mouth, or in my nose. Seriously, that's why.
Okay, to the panic attacks. I had one sitting on the runway in this dinky little airplane waiting to leave Saskatoon. Then I had one on the ferry coming back from Gibsons one time. Then school started, and I started having them every day while walking up the crowded staircase between my calculus (did I mention the A on the midterm?) and biology (we're not discussing that midterm) classes. Now I've started to also have them while sitting IN biology class. What's it all about? It's freaking me out that I'm breathing in other people's breath. It's seriously crippling me. When I'm walking up the staircase which is freaking CRAMMED with people, I can make it up if I either hold my breath (not a good option because I get to class super dizzy) or hold my sweater hand over my nose and mouth as a "filter" of sorts. I used to feel safe as soon as I made it out of the staircase and into the classroom, but most days now there comes a point when it starts freaking me out in the middle of class, and I have to resort to breath holding and filtering behaviour. All I want to do is run at top speed outside for some fresh air, but I have to force myself to sit in class and try to look normal while also trying not to hyperventillate and trying not to cry (I think tears may have brimmed over at one point last week). The staircase is a lost cause, but in the classroom I seem to be able to talk myself down from it, telling myself, okay, everyone has to breathe, this is normal, people breathe in other people's breath all the time. BUT IT'S SO GROSS!!! I feel like I can kinda relate to those people who walk around with those dust masks on, and trust me, I've thought about carrying one of those around, but I don't think they will provide any sort of effective barrier (like my sweater/hand filter does). If someone sneezes or coughs around me, it's even worse. I've also started washing my hands with an alarming frequency, and carrying around that hand sanitizer gel, but that's all in the name of staving off the fall semester cold. This is getting worse and worse, so I'm hoping to find a solution to it. One that doesn't involve people getting too close to me. Physically.
Am I crazy?
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11 comments:
No. Not crazy.
Is it possible that you're really stressed about other things that to you are completely undealable-with right now, and so the stress is coming out in this way (aggravating your existing phobia) instead? Like panicking about gross creepy crawlies gives a voice or outlet or just something-to-do-about to your stress that you've been unable to find elsewhere?
In my own life, I find that anxiety is always willing to find its own way out whether I like it or not, if I don't beat it to the punch.
There are people whose job it is to figure these things out for you if you ask them to help. Talking to one of them could take a load off your shoulders. I'm sure this added level of complication isn't making your hectic life more manageable or fun.
Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. Good luck with everything. Congrats on your As. I'm weirdly proud of you, Internet Friend.
I don't think you're crazy either. I have my own weird freakies that happen when I am extremely stressed, or when I have been under a lot of stress and it is suddenly relieved (in fact this tends to be worse for me). It usually involves a fear of being trapped in a space with other people. For example, being stuck on a bus or a classroom or being stuck in a restaurant with people I don't know well. I don't feel any fear of being stuck by myself in places, so it's not claustrophobia, but it has to do with social situations.
Anyway, I found it really helpful to speak to a counsellor - they can remind you that you're not crazy and teach you exercises to bring you out of the panic. Understanding the physiological side of it can really help manage it.
Give me a call if you want to go for coffee sometime soon. We'll find somewhere well ventilated and not on a bus.
:-)
If you have to have some sort of habit washing your hands is a good one. As for germs, i can hook you up with some seriously good masks. The TB ones will protect you from almost anything airborne, although they may not look fabulous, they do the trick. I started having little freakouts when i had a patient that i didn't know how to deal with. Slow deep breaths are also somewhat helpful. But Katie, you're a very intelligent person. You have grown to know the limits of yourself, so listen to them. Listen to your body, if it's telling you something is wrong, deal with it in a systematic/realistic manor. Oh, and moms pretty good at helping with these things. p
Whoever these three women who got here before me are.. they're smart. Sage advice up there.. the one thing that flashed through my mind is that as a temporary solution, you could put VapoRub or some nicer bit of aromatherapy roll-on under your nose to act as a barrier between the bad germs and the good air.
But, as stated, that other advice is good... and I know the hell that at least one chunk of your daily life is providing right now, so if some funds to get you to a session with Kathy would help (because having funds unattached to anything else you have is easier than trying to take funds that are already attached away from those things to which they want to cling.. .. and it could be returned at any point in the future when it is easy for you)... don't hesitate to let me know.. which isn't the same as having to ask :)
For you, the person who told me that it was time for me to leave that job, for my own sake... for you, the world.
And if not money (which has actually been ROLLING in lately, whee!), let me know what else I can do for you to help. But I won't call or email or show up with a look of concern on my face (okay, not any more than normal at least...)
Sage advice indeed.
Jill, I'm sure you're totally right. It had occured to me that this was all the stress finding a way out. And thanks for being proud of me! I'm proud of me too.
Anne, I can relate to those situations . . . feeling like I have to get out of the classroom, out of the school . . . it's not the place, it's the people. Yes, coffee in a well ventiallated place soon!
Littlest sister, how wise you are. I'll take a TB mask, please.
And Xta, you rule. I know you know about a huge chunk of what's going on, so thanks for the support. I like the idea of the aromatherapy . . . I think I might give that a try. Just need to find something that won't give me a headache. Thanks for the offer of the moolah too, but I think some of my under-the-table CPR recerts should help out in that department.
You all rule. As do those of you who are being silently supportive in the effort to not annoy me. You rule too. I feel much better.
I also have a bit of a bug phobia. When I get stressed, I tend to obsess about them attacking me while I'm asleep. About a month ago, I had an almost entirely sleepless night because one cricket (and let me tell you, they are really gross over here, like jumping cockroaches) got into my apartment. I was up all night convinced that if I fell asleep I would wake up to an army of them across my bed sheets.
But when I'm camping bugs are all over the place and they don't bother me one bit, because I'm all relaxed and vacation-y.
That said, it sounds like this is really starting to interfere with your ability to go to class, pay attention, etc. Which isn't at all cool. So I agree that you should think about talking to somebody (other than your really cool friends) about it.
Ha, you are talking to the queen of stress-induced panic attacks. Medicated once for it when I was waking up with them (I'm sure you remember that situation). Low grade panic disorder, apparently, linked to depression which runs in the family - on both sides. And you should have seen me when we weren't sure the mortgage would get approved.
These women before me - Jill, your sis, Anne and Xta: listen to them.
Most importantly, take a time for yourself - do something for yourself that makes you happy.
At least, that's what works for me.
That, or wine. :) (I kid, of course)
Oh, and no you're not crazy. At least not in a clinical sense :) I mean, you're asking if you're crazy - so that would mean you're not.
THINKING such, however, is apparently a sign of an anxiety/panic disorder. Guess why finally went to the doctor?
and you were worried that you'd have an enslaught of people making a fuss over you...
Drink wine...lots of it, that or stick your head in the oven.
(i kid of course)
Katie, you are soooooooo not alone girl, as you can see! I used to have the worst anxiety attacks...germs and crowds were the worst. I still cannot use public washrooms very well....have to use paper towels to touch everything.
Keep talking about it, and you will soon realize you are not in the minority. I still wash my hands at least 10 times a dy and carry lotion with me to keep my hands soft.
Congrats for coming out of the anxiety/germ closet! I would hug you, but, well, you know I work in an elementary school, and there is always creepy crawlies there!
once, someone stunk up a movie theatre and my brother made a comment along the lines of "well we'll just have to keep breathing it in so that our lungs filter the stink, or else it'll stay forever... that's the only way to get rid of it" ...
and since then, i have been DEATHLY afraid of stinks, just imagining my lungs filling up with the gas and filtering it so that it comes out clean and my lungs get clogged with disgusting residue.
you're definitely not the only one having these attacks. it's like when elaine was trapped on the subway and the power went out... she was screaming (inside of her head), and that is how i am. all the time.
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